Dear Diary: Let Me Be Me!

Note: This story is about self-honesty and the importance of accepting others' differences. The story may involve sensitive topics such as bullying and self-harm, which might upset readers.}

Dear Diary,

I don’t even know who I am anymore. Everything I did was based on the choice that I made. But, why do I feel like I’m attached to an invisible string, being controlled such as marionettes?

***

 “Psst, what’s the answer to question number 3?” a whisper yelled out. I looked back, and a girl with long straight hair and crystal clear skin was talking to me. Kiera is her name, a close friend of mine since we were children. “It’s 24,” I answered. “Thanks, I owe you big time!” she whispered back. The class was quiet as the bottom of the sea; nobody dared to say a word, no one wanted to be accused of cheating. It’s not that I don’t care, it's just what friends do, we help each other, that’s what Kiera said. Even so, the feeling of guilt swallows me whole: “Why am I so weak?” I muttered to myself.

The sound of the bell pierces my ear; time is up. I walked out of class. It’s time for lunch. The lines queuing for the food stalls were stretched out like the Nile, and food options were laid out just like a hotel’s grand buffet. The waiting time is just as slow as school hours, and I feel my tummy rumbling harder than an earthquake. “Just water is fine,” I told the cafeteria lady. It’s not that I’m stuffed, but nobody likes someone overweight. “Do you know Addison from the class next door? I wouldn't dare show my face if I had a body like hers,” people said, and I don’t want to experience the same thing that happened to Addison. Hunger can wait.

My vision started to fade out, my head was spinning, and my hands were trembling. I’m famished. “I’m alright, I just need water,” I told myself. Slowly, more time has passed, and school is over. 

Walking home with Kiera, with a smile brighter than the sun, listening to our favorite song from Taylor Swift. However, the countenance on my face was nothing more than a mask. I never liked Taylor Swift, but Kiera doesn’t have to know that. How will she react when she finds out I’m not a Swiftie like what she expects?

Slowly, we went through the leafy path. In a matter of time, a certain house gets bigger and bigger, one that I am well familiar with. With a cherry red roof and bright yellow door, I entered my so-called home, feeling fatigued. “Are you ready for your dance lesson?” my mother asked. I placed my bag by the entrance door. I nodded as if I had any other choice than yes. I never liked dancing, I dance to fulfill my mom’s childhood dream she never was able to achieve. Imagine her chagrin if she finds out. 

My head is spinning more than ever, like a vortex in the middle of the sea, and my legs feel like they could give out at any moment. “You! Pay attention,” my dance instructor yelled. It’s not that I don’t listen; the only thing I can think of now is my hunger. However, nobody has to know that, I can’t let down the team. No matter what. “No matter-” I muttered. Before I finished speaking, a huge bump followed. “What happened?” Next thing I know, darkness took over; however, it's nothing like those horror movies. Everything went quiet in a fast period, and for the first time, I feel at ease, like all my problems had been put on hold. “This feels nice.” I thought to myself before slowly losing my consciousness.

***

A speck of light suddenly appeared, it moved to the right, then to the left. “What the heck?” I thought to myself before finally opening my eyes. “You’re finally awake,” a voice called out. I slowly get up, and it looks like I have been asleep for a while now. “It looks like you have been working and tiring yourself out these past few days. You should get more rest and eat more to regain your energy,” the voice called out. I look to my right, and a man who looks to be in his mid-thirties with a clean white coat is standing beside me. “Pardon me, I haven’t introduced myself properly. I’m Dr. Oliver Kard. You’ve been out for almost 5 hours now.” Dr.Kard continued. Hearing that, I wasn’t surprised; I was somewhat expecting this to happen sooner or later. “When will I be discharged?” I asked. "Tomorrow should be fine; however, after you leave, I must advise you to not go with the same working or eating pattern you have now." He said. "Seeing from your vitals, I believe if you keep going, it could end badly for you." He continued. I thank him and get some more rest after.

The following day, I was finally discharged. Once I got home, I tried lying down on my bed. However, a voice called out, "What do you think you're doing?". It was my father. "It's a school day, just because you just got discharged does not mean you can be lazy right after, after all, the doctor said that you'll be fine." He continued. I do not have anything to say after that. I was so tired of even talking back; however, it does hurt me that he has the guts to say what he just said after what I had just experienced. But, it didn't matter, I got ready and left.

When I had finally reached my school, I heard a voice, one that I was familiar with. "Hey, how are you? I thought you got into the hospital?" It was Kiera. I nodded. "Are you okay?" She continued. “Don’t worry, I’m fine,” I answered, while forcing a smile on my face. However, no matter how hard I tried to hide it, she managed to see right through me. “You know, we have been friends for ages now, you can stop lying to yourself and be honest, you're not fine, are you?” Kiera asked. Silence, our surroundings suddenly went quiet, as if the universe understood what was going to happen. "I'm tired.." I blurted those words out before I even realized it, and before you know it, tears started flowing out of my eyes. I felt a soft touch around me, "It's okay to be tired, do whatever you think is best for you, and be true to yourself. Once you develop self-honesty, you will heal in a matter of time." Kiera said while patting my back. Hearing that makes me relieved, it’s like finally seeing a flower sprout after a cold and harsh winter. Perhaps, some sort of validation is what I needed all this time. I’m glad I’ve gotten it.

The next day, I did what Kiera had told me, "Be true to my true self." I muttered to myself before stepping into the classroom. “Hey, have you done the homework?” a classmate yelled. Before I had the chance to resist, he took my binder out of my hand and started flipping the paper back and forth, looking for answers. “Stop!” I yelled while grabbing my binder back. He stared at me, and I could sense the feeling of annoyance from him; however, he just ended up leaving without saying a single word back. Just then, a feeling of pride started jolting out of my body. “It is refreshing to finally speak up for myself.” I thought to myself.

When the bell finally rang, indicating lunchtime, food was the only thing I had in mind. “Being in the hospital is no fun, and I would do anything to not be there anytime soon.” I thought to myself. With that thought in my head, I ordered a few things from the menu. It may be a little bit too much, but it should be enough to keep me far from being in the hospital. “It’s been a while since I feel stuffed, it’s a really satisfying feeling.” I thought to myself after devouring the food.

The bell rang once more, indicating the end of the school day. "Hey, I think I have found myself a new favorite singer, do you want to hear?" I asked Kiera as we're going home. She nodded, and together we walked home with a new song playing on Spotify. It's nice to listen to something new once in a while, even though we walk our usual path home, it feels like a whole new journey with a totally different atmosphere.

Everything was going well, I had never felt this free and happy, "Nothing can ruin my mood today." I muttered to myself. for dance class?" She continued. I shake my head, "Mom, I don't think I want to continue dancing anymore." I told her. In an instant, mom's expression changes, it's like a sudden thunderstorm happening in the middle of a bright day. "Why not? You've always enjoyed dancing." She yelled, demanding an explanation. "I never enjoyed dancing; it isn't something I would like to pursue," I told her. She approached me slowly, her eyes filled with disappointment. A moment had passed, and we just stared at each other. 

Slap

All of a sudden, I can feel a burning sensation on my cheek. "Huh..?" I muttered, slowly coming back to my senses. A wave of yelling follows, "Why do you have to be so ungrateful? I've given you everything, and this is how you pay me back?!" Mom yelled. The yelling seems to be endless, and there is nothing I can do but look at the ground, being back to my weak self. I don't recall how or when it ended; all I can remember is lying on my bed with tears streaming down my cheeks and onto my pillow. "It's okay, things will be okay tomorrow." I kept thinking to myself, and without realizing it, I fell asleep.

The sun comes up, a new day is in session, but nothing new has happened. Mom isn't speaking, but perhaps it is what I needed in the morning after what had happened last night. Off I go to school, trying to forget what had taken place last night. The sun was shining ever so brightly, birds were singing happily, and the winds were softly whistling. "Today might not be so bad after all, I told myself." As I stroll along the way to school.

I finally found myself facing the door to my class. I reached onto the handle and slowly opened it, when suddenly. Splash. A bucket filled with water fell from the top of the door, causing the contents to spill onto me. "What..?" I wondered while looking around. Giggles were heard all around; it was embarrassing. "Aww, look at the nerd no longer acting all tough and mighty." A voice called out, it was the guy I refused to give my homework to. I was pissed, there are over a million things I want to say, however, I just froze. "Why?" I thought to myself before running to the restroom to clean myself up.

It's only 12pm, however, it feels like the day is already long enough. It's lunch time, and as usual, we were queuing for food in the cafeteria. However, today feels odd. I can hear whispers from the people behind me, and eye contact from people in front of me, but I tried to not pay attention to it. Finally, I reached the front of the line, "One fried rice, please." I told the cafeteria lady. "Ain't it too little for you?" A voice called out from someone behind me. I looked back, and a girl whom I had never met before was standing behind me. "Pardon me?" I asked her, hoping for some sort of clarification. "Haven't you heard?" She asked back. "You were caught on camera, totally pigging out on food yesterday." She continued, and laughter followed from more people behind her. "What in the world do you mean?" I asked her. "This." She said, while showing me a video of myself eating the other day. I froze, my legs were trembling, my hands were shaking, "If a girl I don't know has gotten this video, then who else has gotten the video?" I thought to myself. Without even thinking, I exited the cafeteria as fast as I could. I don't want to be seen there by anyone anymore.

After a while, I stumbled into Kiera. "Kiera!" I yelled, trying to catch her attention. She didn't notice, so I called her name again. However, my effort was in vain since she didn't look back. Finally, I approached her from the front, "Kiera, I need your help, you won't believe what just happened." I told her. "Oh.?" She answered. Just then, I noticed the screen on the phone she had in her hands, which was the video. "Who sent you that?" I asked her while pointing at her phone. "I'm sorry, I have to go." She replied as she started running off as if to avoid me. "Look! Even her own friend no longer wants to be with her anymore." A voice yelled out. I wanted to wake up from this horrible dream. I kept pinching myself trying to wake myself up. Soon that pinch would turn into a whole punch, and yet I was unable to wake up, because I was already awake, and this is real life. "Don't worry, things will go back to normal soon," I told myself. 

Unfortunately, I couldn't be more wrong. Eventually, days, weeks, and finally months started to fly by, and things just got worse. Things would escalate into something way worse than how it is already. "I'm tired, why am I even here?" I thought to myself. Everything that has happened now is a contradiction to what has happened before. I now know that friends don't help each other, your parents aren't your biggest supporters, and self-honesty won't heal; in this case, it just hurts me even more. "Huh, never knew the world is a pathological liar."

"..I'm so tired, let me sleep."